I have wanted to write this story for a week now and this is the first moment that I have been able to grab of all the chaos.

I pray that the Lord will remind me of the revelations that he gave to me at the time so that my truth can help change the lives of those who read this post.

A real life experience …

In a delightful moment of playing with our girls on the bed after bath-time, the one little ones asked ‘don’t you wish you could be young like us again?’

My immediate reaction was a loud resounding NO. Even I was surprised by the definiteness of my answer. My husband smiled and said that he would love to be young again. Why would I not choose this too.

And here came my reality; ‘Because my childhood was too lonely and too painful. There were no happy moments that I could recall of laughing and tickling on the bed’

But that was it. That was the moment. So I thought.

I never felt emotionally burdened by this conversation, but it unleashed a truth within me.

Two days later, I headed out for my regular Saturday run. My God time. My prayer time.

As I was running and praying, I was overwhelmed by my own brokenness. This is not something that I am aware of in my every day. In fact, I thought that I had dealt with all of it and was over all of it.

But while I was running, my tears were flowing and my cry was guttural.

What is this God? I thought that I was healed!

And then the Lord gave me the most beautiful and clear explanation of what I was going on.

Yes, I was healed and I was made whole. But Christ is my healer. He is the one that makes me whole. With his love. And the presence of the Spirit.

But I had become complaisant. I had been spending less time with Him. I had been riding on my old ‘fullness’ of His love and His Spirit. But with life and all the hurts and hardships that it carries, small cracks began to show. I was not continually trusting God for His love and affirmation to complete me.

I had actually placed this expectation on my husband, which is very dangerous. I would find myself completely devastated and on that slippery slide of insecurity, when he was not filling my up with the love and affirmation that I so desperately needed.

Reality check: Only God can fill us to over -flowing . Only He knows us inside and out and only He can meet all our needs.

I needed to get back to that intimate place with God again.

I never stopped loving Him. But I had started placing more and more of my trust in my husband and even myself.

So I have been on a wonderful journey. Of opening up my heart again. Of completely surrendering again.

Of letting Him fill me up completely again. And of letting him show me how I can be effective for Him again.

He gave me this beautiful word: ‘Everything that you are is because of everything that I am in you.’

That statement is referring to the healed and whole me! Jesus said “I am the vine and you are the branches. Remain in me and I will remain in you.” That means that all things become complete when we are in Christ, but the moment we step out of this place or unintentionally get distracted from this life of intimacy, the cracks begin to show. The old habits and insecurities begin to become our friends again.

Jesus is our true and ultimate friend.

Our healing is only permanent if we remain in the one who is the healer.

This is the life that I am choosing to live. That I want to live.

I want to be complete in Him

Completely loved by him.

And … Radically effective for Him.