And because of God’s gracious gift to me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you should. Instead, be modest in your thinking, and judge yourself according to the amount of faith that God has given you.
Romans 12:3
It absolutely amazes how the Lord keeps showing us more and more about ourselves as our faith grows in Him.
Many years ago, I walked down a road which led me to making some very blurred choices. And yet, in spite of those choices, I never felt abandoned by God – I never felt God turn His face away from me. Rather, what I did feel was His love and His acceptance and His abounding grace.
Now, all these years later, I have encountered a situation where I have had to revisit those choices that I made, and God has given me a whole new perspective – not in the light of shame, but in the light of ‘passing on the baton’ and encouraging others to make the best choices for themselves. To share the wisdom that I have gathered from making my own mistakes.
Every choice we make, elicits a different outcome. If we make a choice that God does not want for us, He doesn’t throw His arms up in the air and say ‘I give up.’ Because he knows the path we will walk and the choices we will make, long before we actually make them.
But what He does do, is He works with us.
There are God plans and there are our plans. God plans are the ones that involve His purpose for our lives. They are ‘Big Picture Plans’ – the ones that God makes absolutely clear to us ….. like going into the ministry or moving country or changing careers …. and it is our choice whether we want to follow His plan by faith and live a God-purposed life.
God had a ‘Big Picture Plan’ for me. He had chosen who I was to marry. This man would change my legalistic thought processes about church and about God and lead me to finding a me a more real, more loving and more gracious understanding of God – and he didn’t even know it.
But I did make some wrong choices in leading to this big picture plan. I didn’t conduct our relationship in the most ‘pure’ manner. And I didn’t talk to my pastor, who was like a father to me, about these lifestyle choices and therefore battled through it (the guilt, the shame, the self-loathing) all on my own. If I had chosen to be accountable for my behaviour, it could have been a great opportunity for me to learn important character lessons like patience and assertiveness and self – assurance. Instead, I stumbled down a road of negative emotions even though I always knew that I was loved – loved by God and loved by my partner.
My choices could have also had a very different impact on my relationship. Had I been transparent with my pastor, he could have entered into a mentorship role in our relationship and the positive consequences of that could have been life altering, for both myself and my partner.
But instead, I walked a road that caused such a back-lash in my emotional state and in my ability to connect and trust and even to accept and give affection. All of which could have been avoided if I had just ‘done the right thing.’
But I can only see this now, in hind sight. At the time, my past brokenness was governing my choices and decisions. Overall, I knew I was where God wanted me to be – and my pastor affirmed this over and over again. I never felt Gods anger or disappointment (it was as if He totally understood why I was doing what I was doing. Of course He did. And His grace was sufficient.) but I did have to live out the consequences of my actions and I am only now, 6 years later, beginning to understand how different choices would have played out so differently.
I do however believe that mine was a road I needed to walk, in order to be fully healed, in order to gain greater wisdom and understanding and in order to really grow up in my faith so that I can encourage others to grow up in theirs.