I often get into the rut of thinking that I am living my life just fine – good morals, good relationships, good heart. And then, I catch a wake-up.
That is exactly what has happened now, in this first few months of 2015
Years ago, it must have been around 2004, I read an extremely inspiring book about Business and Christianity. One of the quotes particularly stood out to me and I remember thinking ‘I will never be like that’. Well, years down the road, I have become exactly like that and I am determined to reclaim old ground.
What is this old ground?? A life of peace and calm and deep inner satisfaction. I guess in summery, it would be a life of contentment.
That quote that I read, went something like this: People will become more hungry for entertainment and will begin to live life in a type of frenzy. They will be spending all their time and money on getting out and doing stuff – really fun stuff like eating out or going to movies or music concerts or shows or art exhibitions or braais or dinners at friends or even bible studies or prayer meetings or anything that keeps one busy busy busy …. instead of just sitting back and relaxing a bit.
Mostly, the things we spend our time doing are exciting and inspirational and even healthy but it is all feeding that need to be doing, doing, doing instead of resting and reflecting and meditating. I found myself totally caught up in the web of ‘activity’.
And then, about a week ago I had an epiphany (experience of sudden and striking realization), and even just thinking about it, made me feel more relaxed – but it was still only a thought … and I had to actually be jolted into action by a horrible fall (a literal fall that left me quite battered a bruised) before I really took heed and started making changes in my life.
Let me try and tell this as short and uncomplicated story. Very difficult for me, but I will try.
It all starts with my Husband. He and I are very similar in that we both love outdoor sport and activities. Mine is running and hiking. His is running and riding and surfing and wakeboarding. We had just met when he started training for the Epic (a 7-day mountain bike race). So super keen was I, at the start of our relationship, that I actually seconded him for the event! Each year after that, he would do something else rather major – like ‘Wine to Whales’, a 3-day mountain bike stage race. There was no more seconding, and I would constantly have to listen to his moaning about how ‘he needs to train’. I would have to put up with the grumpiness from all the training and I would have to ‘cover for him’ while he was training. I must say, it felt like rather a raw deal. Especially since I also love getting out and being active.
So, I suggested that the next ‘big event’ must be one that we do together. Something for us to both work towards. We picked ‘African X’ which would be huge in terms of our fitness and current capabilities but we were both keen for the challenge. This decision was made somewhere around August / September and African X is at the end of March so it seemed that there was plenty of time. I was super amped – now I could say that I ‘need’ to train when I felt like going for a run. But in reality, the time pressure made us both ‘need’ to train a lot more than we ‘wanted’ to train.
We had upped our training so that by the time we reached the Christmas holidays, we were running two days on and one day off, between 10 and 14km’s at a time. But it was not all plain sailing – Clayton started experiencing mild injuries and I completely lost my passion for running. It had become like a forced chore. Ok, there was the occasional really ‘awesome’ run, but it was pretty occasional.
Then one day, I set out on my own, on our most common coastal route, with Runkeeper tracking my time and feeling determined to improve my speed. I was, by no means, loving it and as I took in the seascape and the glorious weather, I realized that the stress of training had robbed me of the joy and pleasure of exercising in the outdoors. I had actually stopped seeing and enjoying the beauty of the creation around me. This was my first moment of realization. Right then, I decided to slow down a little and make sure that I always enjoyed my run rather than just dragging myself through it (mentally that is). But the frequency of training had also caused me to feel quite anxious and stressed over the holidays – to the extent that it did not even feel like a break. It felt pressured and busy.
Right towards the end of the school break, I managed to get away for another week with the twins. For most of the time, it was just me and them, which meant no training besides a few 5km runs with them in the jogging pram. They love this – to come with mommy on a run – and although it is exhausting for me, I love it too. I did always want to be a mom that would include my girls in my life and my outdoor adventures. When we came back to Cape Town, I managed to keep a good blend between long runs on my own and shorter runs with the girls – but I always felt flat and lacking energy. I chatted to a few people who do these kinds of events regularly and I was told that I was suffering from over training which happens when you increase you training substantially in a short space of time. The suggestion was that I take it easy for a bit –of course I was very happy to receive that advice.
By now we were back into the school term, and the small group of moms that I had run with a few times before going away, were now training flat out! They would run four or more times a week at around 5:15am and I would hear all the messages coming through on my whatsapp as they planned their meeting time and place. With each message, my guilt would grow. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a morning person. I also very seldom get a full night sleep with one or both of the girls waking us in the night. So I could not fathom committing so such an early run – yet the guilt and FOMO (fear of missing out) increased exponentially. How could I work this into my tired lifestyle without putting added strain on the family.
But, one very good thing came out of following the whatsapps . They were spreading the word about a new 16km Trail Run which was being held in the Capri area. What an awesome opportunity to train and it was right on our doorstep! Clay and I entered immediately. I was quite looking forward to the event – 16km sounded rather manageable considering our training, and I had often seen the entrance to the National Park trail in Capri and wanted to explore the area. But of course, doing an event is very different to exploring on your own or as a family. In an event, you either have someone running up your butt or you are running up someone else’s butt, so it is very difficult to get into a comfortable rhythm. Then, because you are generally pushing yourself to come somewhere in the middle of the field, you don’t even get to take in the beautiful surroundings. Maybe I am just too old and too unfit for this kind of challenge, but I really was not having fun. At one point, the course took us around a beautiful dam and as we ran along the wall, we had to watch a guy wallowing in the water, having the best time ever, while we slogged past, boiling hot and truly running on empty.
So you might ask “What do you think about when you are running 16km’s in the mountains” Well, it is not winning – that was for sure. Actually, all I could think about was how I would love to go on a hike with the girls, just us in the great outdoors, sleeping under the stars and swimming in rivers and dams.
So the conclusion for me was that events are just not my thing! The event is too frustrating, the training is too stressful and the pressure of it all is just too much! I need to de-pressurize my life and even just the thought of making an attempt at that, left me feeling so much more peaceful and happy. Fortunately Clay completely agreed with me. We would shelve the idea of African X and maybe continue on a MUCH slower training program for something later in the year –although Clayton did not really buy into that one.
My confirmation on this ‘revelation’ came in church that very Sunday when they were promoting the series that would be started the following week – called ‘Simplify’. That just says it all. I was determined to get on board with this thing and totally simplify my life.
I even found a perfect alternative adventure for us to do as a family – a three or four day Klein Karoo farmhouse run, where we would run a maximum of 20km a day, with the girls in the jogger pram, so we really could enjoy the expedition together as a family. Each night, we would be put up by a different farmer who would provide dinners and breakfasts and we could run at our own pace, taking as many breaks as we want, stopping to swim in the dams and picnic under the trees. And we could even be seconded by one of the farmer’s wives. Utter bliss. Why on earth would we ever want to do an event again??
Well, that thought lasted all of 2 days because on the Wednesday I was back in the starting block of a 6km night, trail run. Everything inside of me did not feel like doing the event – I didn’t feel like the crowds and would much rather have stayed home with my family (that was probably just my laziness talking) but I had committed to buying the entry from a friend so that was my compelling factor. I was also sniffling at the triviality of the event because it was only 6km and I was now running no less than 8km. But I was encouraged by friends and family, to ‘Be positive, and run my absolute fastest. Maybe I could win the thing – Ha ha.’ That would be both myself and them laughing!!!
In reality, I did want to try and get my best time for a 6km run, and after the big uphill, I still felt strong and confident. ‘I’m doing really well’ I thought, until I had a colossal wipeout on a fairly flat section. More embarrassing than anything else actually. I managed to finish the race, but that was it for me. No more events – for a long while – maybe forever! There are far better ways to stay fit and enjoy the outdoors!!
God has an incredible way of continually and patiently nudging us in a certain direction, until we make the decision to follow that direction on our own. I am so glad for my scratches and bruises. They are a reminder that I don’t have to search the internet for awesome events and get sucked into all the training that is required to successfully accomplish such an event. Life is just too short for that. I would much rather enjoy every moment of my training, with and (mostly) without the girls.
So that is the end of my story and there so much that I have learned from it … especially since it coincided so perfectly with the ‘Simplify’ series (as things do when God really wants to get a message across)
I have learned to slow down – in almost every aspect of my life.
To stop searching for the next ‘thing to do’
To stop ‘trying’ and to just ‘be’.
The thing is, that we are all so exhausted from the over-saturation of information that bombards us every day. Some of it sounds really good – and probably is really good, like how we can be better people, how we can be better parents, how we can be happier, healthier, more content, more savvy, and the list goes on and on.
But the reality is that only one thing gives us all this – without bombarding, without pressure and with heaps of love. This one thing is a ‘real’ relationship with the only true and living GOD.
Proverbs 9:10 (Living Bible) says it perfectly.
10 For the reverence and fear of God are basic to all wisdom. Knowing God results in every other kind of understanding.
So that is it – just ‘be’ in a relationship with God and he will guide you and prompt you to ‘living a life that is full of love and contentment’ The two and very true things that money just can’t buy!