I was never a child with great confidence! My insecurities and desperate need for affirmation, followed me wherever I went. This is probably the very reason that I loved acting so much – I was more comfortable acting out someone else’s life and I loved receiving the applause for doing it.
Real life however, was unfortunately nothing like a stage show. It was filled with imperfect relationships, personal insecurities and quite frankly, a whole lot of crap. But …. in-spite of all of that, I was always smiling and actually become known for my ‘colgate smile’ and ‘mielie pip’ teeth (which I wasn’t so pleased about!)
In my younger years, I had a very flimsy backbone – I was way too scared to voice my own opinion – so I’d rather just sit in my own little dream world and smile away! I considered myself a kind, sweet and considerate person. Others considered me a complete walk-over. But I only found that out later on in life.
I also had no self-confidence when it came to boys and later, men. I kind of had the mentality of ‘who did I think I was to expect to get someone better’ so I would just settle. And being the optimist that I am, I would try and make the most of that situation. My first marriage is the perfect case in point. I had just come out of a long term relationship (well 3 years, which was my longest up till then ) and I was getting my life back on track. This was, in the timeline of my life, just after my very awesome and very dramatic experience with God, where I was stuck to the floor for 3 hours while the Lord took me though all the hurt and rejection from my dad and literally just washed it all away, scene by scene, like watching a move, just far more personal because it was my own life. (If it sounds interesting, I went into detail about this in my story ‘A God of Miracles’ posted in the God Stuff and People Stuff categories).
Anyway, after that experience, I was able to say for the very first time in my life, that I truly loved my dad, and mean it from the bottom of my heart. This whole experience also helped me overcome my intimidation of older men, which led me to meeting and falling in love with my first husband, who was 10 years older than myself. At first, when we met, I was flattered that an older guy would be interested in me. I also loved that we had a lot in common. We were in a similar industry, we both loved aerobics ( I know that may sound weird, but we did) and to top it all off, he made a commitment to the Lord soon after we met so we were that couple who went to church and home group and church camps together. We even had daily quite times together. So in my world of ‘I am not worth any more than this’ I was pretty happy – some would even say, I was living in blind bliss. Until we were married and he decided that the whole religious thing was actually a complete farce and proceeded to permanently try and convince me how deceived I and all the other believers were. I was only 23 years old at the time we married (a very immature 23) and I felt as if my life were falling apart. I had always believed that marriage was for life and there I was, trapped in a most miserable relationship which seemed absolutely hopeless. Needless to say, a year later, after much talking and discussing, he actually filed for divorce.(This is a long story in itself, but the divorce was amicable and I am very glad that I did not have to do the divorcing / court appearance) Wow, to think that I could have a second chance at love seemed almost unfathomable but I was relieved to be free to be me again.
I actually quite enjoyed being single and re-connecting with all my old friends. It was a good stage of life. A very God centered stage of life. Yes, life was very good again.
Then I met my second husband. In church. He was tall, tanned and rather gorgeous looking, He worked on a game farm in the desert which seemed like a dream to me. He was soft, tender, romantic, deep and very passionate about God. Our relationship was a bit of a whirlwind, as only a dreamer would have it. We met and were together for only 2 weeks before he had to return to the desert. We had had no physical contact during this time because we wanted to do it right and keep it pure. When he was away, he wrote me the most incredibly deep and poetic letters. Oh Lord, protect my heart – was my prayer. I did not want to fall for this man unless it was part of God’s plan. We spoke on the phone about twice a week and after 3 months, we planned for me to visit Namibia. Still, I had not yet opened my heart fully to him. I asked my friends to pray for me while I went away – pray that I would know the will of God. Of course, my time in Namibia was like a fairytale continued. On our first night together, we escaped to a little pub and there he completely poured out his heart – about his past, his broken family, broken relationships and really – his whole broken life. This was the point that my heart swelled up and just about burst with compassion and love for this broken man. His heart was wide open for me and at that very moment I threw the doors of my heart wide open for him. We had our first kiss that night. And after that, we were a proper couple. We took walks and watched sunsets together and just before I was to leave to come home… he proposed!!! Yes, I know! It was all so fast. But for a dreamer like me, it shouted out ‘how special I must be’. That he would want to marry me after just 3 months of us knowing each other.
I went home elated but tentative. Could this really be? Is it really right?? Is it really what I want??
Everyone seemed so excited for me. So it was full steam ahead. We did have a few wobbles along the way. I got to see a very destructive side of him. And also, a very cruel side. But I kept thinking, ‘If I can love him hard enough, I can love him whole again.’
Of course, that was not the case. It may happen in fairy tales, but not in real life. Two broken’s do not make a fixed. And I was still very much broken (I just didn’t know it).
As reality would have it, it all began to horribly unravel after we married and relocated to Namibia for an indefinite length of time. The point of destruction came from a simple sentence, an innocent conversation. But he interpreted what I had said, as an unforgivable insult and an enormous betrayal of trust. And so he shut his heart, and shut me out of his life. His eyes were stony cold and his silence deafening. This was the beginning of it all. The truth is, he never really did forgive me. In his eyes, I had proved to him that I was just like every other woman in his live who had hurt and betrayed him. So everything I said or did, from that moment on, was seen through that filter. There was nothing I could do to change it. There was no apology I could make.
We endured our marriage for 10 long years. Because this was my second marriage, I thought to myself that there was just no way that I could have a second failure, so I tried and tried and tried. I signed up for almost every course on emotional healing, boundaries, marriage enrichment – anything really – in the hopes that one of these things would unleash breakthrough. I was prepared to do everything and everything, turn over every stone before declaring it hopeless. And every course we did, I thought that we were doing for him – that I was just going along to show my support. However, every-time I would be the one coming away feeling stronger emotionally and spiritually – this was my journey of healing and I didn’t even know that I was that broken. But, I was growing so much as a person.
Our relationship went through some really desperate slumps and never seemed to reach any joyful peaks, so by the time we reached our 8th year, I had pretty much emotionally abandoned the relationship. I believed in my heart that the Lord had told me after 5 years that I was free to leave, but my own shame and also pride (I did not want to be a failure again) kept me locked in. So, by the time year 8 rolled up, I really felt that I had nothing more to give. Yet still, the Lord was so merciful and patient. He gave me a beautiful scripture at this time, the one from Joel 2:25 that goes goes … “I will restore to you the years that the locusts have eaten”.
The much crumbled foundation fell completely apart when I left on a two week business trip abroad and he refused say goodbye or take a single call from me during my time away. Again, it was over a simple misunderstanding and a huge lack of trust on his part, which was completely unfounded, but it showed me that this man that I was married to was not there for me on any level. At the drop of a hat, he could cut me off, as if I never existed. As if I was a non-entity in his life.
This was probably also a time in my life when my confidence was at its lowest. Looking back on it now, it is hard to identify with how I felt at the time, but inside, my nerves were shattered and my positive attitude completely crushed. This was supposed to be the greatest opportunity of my career and the turning point in our business and yet all I felt was anxiety mixed with neglect. How was I supposed to do this all alone in a foreign country? How was I supposed to hold it together? But of course, I was never alone. The Lord was with me. He had made it possible for me to be there in the first place, and He would never abandon me at this point of need.
At a time like this, the best thing for me to do is to head out for a run. So in the beautiful town of Fort Lauderdale, I ran along the canal, enjoying the space to think and pray and find my peace once again. I came back from that run with strong sense of what I needed to do. I also had an amazing confidence that I could do it – that I would be ok. My revelation was that we needed to separate for a year. A long time I know, but it would give us the opportunity to find ourselves again and work through our stuff without the pressure of the other, or of the relationship. I knew that the suggestion would be faced with huge resistance, but after 8 years, we simply could not keep walking down the same road and never getting any closer to building a healthy relationship.
As expected, the suggestion of the separation did not go down well at all. (Looking at it from where I am today, I can totally understand his emotional response, but at the time, I was exasperated and desperate for a break from anxiety and condemnation which had become my miserable companions throughout the relationship)
But, where I had thought it would be a wonderful opportunity for us to find ourselves and even find each other again, it was met with an impassive attitude, laced with bitter rejection. I had envisaged a season of restoration and progressive rebuilding of a very broken relationship, whereas it was received as a directive to withdraw from me completely. And no amount of words could change the mindset or the status quo. But in spite of that, the moment we moved into our own space, it felt as if the heaviest cloud had been lifted from my shoulders. I had the freedom to be me again – to breath and move and behave in a way that was without fear and always questioning if I had said or done the wrong thing. Weeks turned into months and I began to blossom. I was in the most exquisite place in my life. Loving my freedom but mostly loving my time with God – which was completely uninhibited because I was alone almost every night. I did not use the time to reconnect with friends or hang out with family. I used the time to read and reflect and get down on my knees and pray and implore God to show me His will and His way. I think that that year changed me and truly made me into who I am today. I believe that I had to go through the hardship of the relationship so that I would face my issues and brokenness and allow God to heal me in those most broken and insecure areas of my life.
At the end of the year’s separation, relationally we had made no progress. He was still as bitter with me as when we first separated. I was ready for a great change, so when my business called me to open a store in Durban, I couldn’t pack my bags fast enough. What an awesome opportunity and a brand new start. We hadn’t discussed the future or divorce but in my head and my heart, the relationship was definitely over. We did end up getting together again for about six months but the relationship almost immediately fell back into the old pattern and after a trip back to Cape Town and a long discussion with my pastor and endless prayers to the Lord, I finally found the courage to bring up the big ‘D’ word. We would just never find our peace together.
I thank God for his grace and mercy in the whole process. In the end, I didn’t have to be the one filing for the divorce or even appearing in court. I made my return trip to Cape Town at the end of what was our 10th year together. I was filled with a sense of hope and adventure as I anticipated the joy and freedom that would lie ahead. Standing on this side of freedom, there is still no way that I would change the uncomfortable journey through that very difficult marriage. It was through that experience that I found myself, I found my very real relationship with the Lord and I found my confidence in who I am.
The next season came sooner than I had expected. I was not looking for a relationship, but I met the man who God had set aside for me soon after I arrived back in Cape Town. He had never been married and he was not at all disapproving of my past – in fact nothing shocked him. The more I told him, the more he accepted me and fell in love with me. It was not long before we were married and supremely happy. And soon after blessed with the birth of our twin girls
I am still growing day by day and am constantly aware of how blessed I am and how wonderful life can be when you are in the right relationship. I have also learned so much through our little girls. My biggest life lesson happened recently, when I was having a heart to heart with my dad. (which was actually a miracle in itself) I realized that often, what we perceive to be rejection as a child, is actually just a parent being oblivious to what is going on rather than making an intentional choice to hurt or ignore a child. This doesn’t exempt the parent from any responsibility but it does help us to be more aware of how our behavior impacts our children. So in other words, a lot of my rejection issues were not because I was actually being rejected but rather because I perceived myself as being rejected. And we have now picked that up with one of our little girls who is more sensitive than the other. But thank the Lord, we are now aware of the issue and will make a concerted effort to not leave space for this feeling of rejection. In that way, the hindrance of rejection will not be carried on to the next generation.
And aside from that – I continue to live and learn….
Now that you all know the nitty gritty of my life, I am going to pause there for a while and share, by way of a series, what God is doing in the life of the Marran’s – the family that moved to JBay and who experience miracle moments almost every day!