This is an issue very close to many or our hearts, and most of us would think that talking or intervention would be the most powerful approach.
To me, it seemed to be the only way that I could actually ‘do something’. But would it be the right something??
Sometimes, intervention is a good and very effective step to take but if the person is not willing to hear, then the result is almost always a severe breakdown in relationship. And how can we be of any help if we are not allowed into the person’s life?
So I did some surfing on the net, to see what the advice I could gather. I read articles and stories from both Godly and secular sources and I feel that I have a much better understanding on the subject – in fact I feel freed from my self-imposed responsibility to ‘fix it’ and freed into just having a true and loving relationship with the person.
It’s difficult to stand by and watch the people we love make choices that we believe are not good for them.
It is our love for them that makes us care about them … that makes us concerned for them and that makes us hurt for them because we know that they will almost certainly reap bad results from their choices.
But we have no right to force our opinions on anyone else – unless they would like to know what we think.
It’s the same with God. He will not force his will on us, but he will reveal his will to us, if we ask Him to.
If someone is opening up to you and telling you about the choices that they are making or the things that they are doing, but NOT asking you for advice, then the very best thing that you could say to them would be something like this …” I love you and I want your life to work out well. If this is what you feel is right for you, then I am praying that it all works out for you.”
It won’t help if we are critical or judgemental. We need to keep the communication open so that that they feel that they can come to us if they get to a point where they see that they have made a bad mistake. They may never choose to see it but we can only help if we are alongside them.
Navigating how we deal with loved ones who are continually making bad choices, is one of the most challenging things that we will face in our lives. But the reality is that we live in a world of bad choices. We will watch others make them. And we will make them too.
Here are two stories in the bible which give us great guidance on how to deal with a loved one who chooses to walk a path of self-destruction.
The first is the story of the prodigal son. This young man was brought up in the lap of luxury, in a home where he was very much loved. Yet, he chose to take his inheritance and head out on a great adventure. His father did not fight him by denying him his inheritance. He did not try and talk him out of his decision. Rather, he let him go.
He also didn’t try and step in and help when he heard that the son had squandered all his money and was begging for food.
But he did receive him with arms wide open when the son decided to come home. In fact, he threw a huge party for him so that he could tangibly lavish him with love.
The second story is even more significant. It is the story of Judas Iscariot.
In the final week of Jesus’ life, Judas who was a disciple and intimate friend, sold Jesus for just 30 pieces of silver.
The ultimate in betrayal.
John 13: 21-26 ERV
Jesus Tells Who Will Turn Against Him
21 After Jesus said these things, he felt very troubled. He said openly, “Believe me when I say that one of you will hand me over to my enemies.”
22 His followers all looked at each other. They did not understand who Jesus was talking about. 23 One of the followers was next to Jesus and was leaning close to him. This was the one Jesus loved very much.24 Simon Peter made signs to this follower to ask Jesus who he was talking about.
25 That follower leaned closer to Jesus and asked, “Lord, who is it?”
26 Jesus answered him, “I will dip this bread into the dish. The man I give it to is the one.” So Jesus took a piece of bread, dipped it, and gave it to Judas Iscariot, the son of Simon.
But we can learn so much from how Jesus treated Judas.
For starters, Jesus allowed Judas to betray him. He knew exactly what Judas was going to do and yet he didn’t try and stop him. He didn’t try and talk him out of it because Judas had the right to make his own decisions. Jesus did however let Judas know that he was aware of what he was going to do. By doing this, He gave Judas an opportunity to change his mind – to make a different choice. But the choice was ultimately left up to Judas.
There is no doubt that Jesus loved Judas, after all he was one of the twelve closest people to him on earth. But even so, he still allowed him to suffer the consequences of his actions. He did not try and take away the consequences or make them easier to bear but we all know that if Judas had run back to Jesus, begging him for forgiveness, Jesus would have forgiven him in a heartbeat.
The bottom line is that each and every one of us is responsible for our own lives and the choices that we make.
We are all imperfect and we are all capable of making terrible choices.
Judas’s rebellion was absolutely no reflection on Jesus life, just as your friends or loved-ones choices are not your fault or a reflection on your life.
The key thing to remember is that we cannot measure another person’s behavior against our own.
Especially if that person is not at the same place as you spiritually. They may not even believe.
Everyone is accountable for their own actions. The very best thing that we can do for someone is to love them. And if we can’t love them out of our own hearts, we can love them out of Gods heart.
Last week I wrote about God’s love being ‘Out the Box’. He loves way beyond any human could possibly love. His love is perfect and complete. It has no borders. It has no limits. It does not see black and white.
God loves in the light of forgiveness. No ‘choice’ that we make is beyond His forgiveness.
But …. and there is a BUT. God is still “grieved” by our destructive choices…because He knows the bad outcome and the pain that we bring upon ourselves and others.
Also, because God is perfect, he cannot bless our bad choices … that would not be love at all. A parent does not stop loving their child when they are naughty, but neither do they bless their disobedience.
God is our father in heaven.
He is a father to those who have chosen him to be and he pursues those who have not yet chosen him to be.
1 Timothy 2:4-6 Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)
4 God wants everyone to be saved and to fully understand the truth.5 There is only one God, and there is only one way that people can reach God. That way is through Christ Jesus, who as a man 6 gave himself to pay for everyone to be free. This is the message that was given to us at just the right time.
So what can we actually DO to help?
The answer is straightforward but not always easy.
We can PRAY!
As believers in Christ, this is our most powerful weapon and our most effective approach.
And the results of prayer are radical!
Prayer helps us surrender our need to fix the situation and allow God and his divine ability to intervene into the situation.
We can pray for them to truly experience God’s love. We can pray for God to give them the wisdom to make healthy choices. We can pray for them to choose to know God’s will. We can pray for them to pursue God above all else because only there will they find true peace and strength and acceptance.
I loved this quote that I read by Jennifer Kennedy Dean;
…if we understand that every thought and intention in the mind of God is good and righteous, then we will enthusiastically cooperate with Him, praying His power and provision onto the earth.
Prayer does not change God but it does change the circumstances on the earth.