Where did that spark go? I am certain that every mom has experienced this lack of spark at some or another stage in their lives. I am not ashamed to admit that I have personally struggled with motherhood, with who I am, with my purpose and place in this world, with anger, with frustration, with talking too much and not listening enough ( I fear I do this a lot!) with finding a balance between my needs with my kids needs and with the expectations placed on us as parents today. It all gets so much. And it is so easy to loose yourself in it.
I was having a conversation with a friend recently and she repeated a phase that her mom always told her “As a mom, you feel as if you are constantly sucking on the hind tit” Every time I think of that phrase, it brings a smile to my face and I can feel the laugher bubbling up in my stomach and threatening to break free. Well, at least I can still laugh about it.
But we are all human and we will all hit an emotional crises at some point in our lives. Maybe because of pressure. Maybe because of sleep deprivation. Maybe because of life circumstances or maybe because we feel that our whole person has been swallowed up by the demanding lives of our children and our family.
I find myself in that stage at the moment.
In my mind, I am constantly comparing how I am as a parent to how I was parented. It is true that I have had my own share of issues but they are not a result of my mom and dad’s parenting style.
When I was a kid , we were left to play by ourselves – actually mostly told to go and play by ourselves. Children were to be seen and not heard which meant that we could go and climb the biggest tree in the very bottom of the garden while the folks sipped tea on the patio. They were not telling us how to climb or panicking that we would fall. They just let us be – as long as they could see us – and sometimes not even see us. We were given so much freedom. And so much space.
Whereas now, I feel the constant pressure that I need to be engaging with my kids. I need to be equipping them with skills (at the age of 4!). And I need to be listening to them, even to the point where I actually interrupt my adult conversation in order to listen to what they have to say. I need to stop living my life in order for them to live theirs. Is this right?
I guess I thought that I was doing a pretty good job – I am happy. I love my children. I love my husband. I love my life. (Even if there is so little left of me after giving so much of myself away each day). But is it really ok that we have to give so much of ourselves away? Why are we juggling so many balls in our attempt to be the perfect (sexy) wife, the doting mother, the fabulous friend and still for others, upholding a demanding but probably very lucrative career?
Because it doesn’t end here. After a crazy day of juggling, once all of the balls have been neatly placed in their boxes, are we really connecting with our husbands and with our kids and even more importantly, with ourselves? Are we able to let down our guard and be free to just be? Or do we feel somewhat detached from our emotions and uncomfortable in our own skin?
I can tell you now, if this is how you are feeling, you are not alone. There is a multitude of woman out there whose lives look wonderful and fulfilled from the outside but from the inside, the perspective is one of hopelessness, emptiness and sadness and stress all wrapped up in one.
Although Each of us deals with our own plethora of issues every day, but we all seem to grappling with the same struggles;
Struggles with our …
IDENTITY. ‘Is my entire identity wrapped up in being a mommy?’ they ask. ‘Is there anything left of me that isn’t about being a mommy?’ ‘Should I have rather chosen a road that is paved with glamor and success rather than choosing to be a mom?’
BALANCE We find ourselves on a constant quest to find balance in our lives. A balanced diet (banting???) A balanced exercise routine. A balanced family life and a space for our spiritual life.
KNOWLEDGE We feel that we don’t know the answers to anything but we are expected to know the answers to everything.
SELF We are forever trying to be everything to our kids, that we forget how to be ‘ourselves’.
But there is still a ‘you’ inside there. It may locked in, stamped down, bottled up or frizzled out but you are still you and you need to slowly release the pressure so that you can start making room for you.
The solution is painless and it is free!
All we need to do is change our perspective.
We need to see ourselves from Gods point of view. A God who loves us and wants what is best for us. Once we own that, everything changes!
We are living in a time when almost everyone has either been to see a psychologist or is currently having weekly sessions with a counselor or psychologist. And even though I think that this is a wonderful and safe platform for us to speak about what is really going on inside our heart and unlock the secret hurts from the past, it is not the only answer. Anti-depressants or mood-altering drugs are certainly not the ideal solution either.
Yes, there is untold value in bringing your burdens out into the light! But Jesus is the best counselor.
He will help you with everything and the only cost is ‘time’. To sit and be still and pray and wait. And the light will come and the joy will return and your purpose will unfold. In time, the Lord will give you the answers that you need.
There are also a few practical things that we can do to kick that dulling sense of self, right out the door.
We need to surround ourselves with positive people.
We need good friends
We need family, especially your mom.
We need to simplify our lives. Every part of it. Cut loose that stuff that we just don’t need around.
We need to ‘push delete’ on all our expectations. It is better to happy than expectant.
We need to stop trying to do everything to please our kids and win their favor. They LOVE us completely.
We need to learn to say no. A tiny but powerful little word that brings such freedom.
We need to embrace contentment. Just sit back, sigh, and take it all in.
And mostly, we need to pray.
We need to find our Heavenly Father. To talk to Him. To read about Him.
We will find every answer we need, in the bible. Every joy we need is in Christ and every comfort we need is in the presence of the spirit.
Finally we need to remember that this stage of life is a beautiful stage.
Here is my personal revelation on the topic.
“Almost everything in this world is instant. Instant food, instant credit, instant gratification even instant sex . But the one thing that will never be instant is our kids growing up and our kids growing in character and discipline. This is a process and that will never change. It is a beautiful process that should be lived and loved and cherished every moment, every day.”
This is the stage in our lives when our kids love us and want to be with us.
The stage where we can cuddle their whole little selves on our laps and smother them with kisses and tickle them till they shout ‘Stop means stop!’ We do get that a lot!
This is also the stage when they delight in everything and get over things so quickly. No sulky moods or harboring anger. Tears can turn to laughter in an instant.
This is a beautiful stage.
Let’s cherish it.
Let’s talk about it.
Let’s live it and love it!